onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
