the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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