my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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