We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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