Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
