I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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