I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
