I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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