My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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