OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
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I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party