i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.