Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
