my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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