They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
