Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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