So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i came on her dog
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i think my cat just said my name.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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