I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize