You're earring is so big in my mouth
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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