god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
