Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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