I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
birth control should be required to get into college
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
