I think I won the penis lottery.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
