as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
