i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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