i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
