If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
