I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
