i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
