She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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