I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
