Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
