??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
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Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
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I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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