dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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