his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
