I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
