Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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