Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
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