Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
