I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
