just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I still have a little drunk in my system
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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