come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
