He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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