Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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