Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
