Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
