last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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