Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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