I just threw up on my dentist
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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