I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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