If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i love accidental penises.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
