Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
