Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Randomize
