Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
