i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
